New State, Fresh Start
by LackOfImagination
Summary: When Bella's marriage to Edward fails, she moves across the country to start over. Seeing Jacob in a bar in her new town makes her wonder about the past and if she made the right choice marrying Edward after all? M for lemons! AH/AU BellaxJacob One shot


**A/N: I wasn't sure where I was going with this and intended for it to be a one-scene story. Let me know in the comments what you think!**

"Can I get a dirty martini, please?" I shouted to the bartender, leaning on the bar and hoping he would hear me over the din of the busy restaurant. He nodded his understanding and began mixing in his shaker, grabbing items from his workstation and arranging them artistically.

He placed the brim-filled glass on the bar and glanced at me, already diverting most of his attention to his next task. "On your tab?"

"Yes, thanks!" I turned back around to look for my friends and scanned the crowd. The world was turning faster on its axis, or maybe it just felt that way in my slightly intoxicated state. I stayed where I stood, wanting to find them before leaving my position, leaning up on a barstool to get a higher vantage point. The liquid swayed out of the glass and began running down my arm. "Oh, hell," I grumbled, setting it back on the bar as I sneaked some cocktail napkins from my oblivious neighbor.

I dabbed up the mess and piled the wet napkins in front of me, glancing around in the dim lights, still unable to locate my group. I sighed and took a large sip, not wanting to let the drink-induced buzz disappear just yet. _The night is young,_ I thought, and grinned to myself as I hesitated, considering another sip. As I moved to place the glass to my lips, I connected eyes with a man across the bar and my heart seized in its rhythm. Time was frozen and it was as if everyone else in the bar disappeared.

_Jake._

The drunken smile was replaced by a shy one, and I motioned him over before I could stop myself, before I could consider that he might not want to see me after all these years. After what I'd done to him. His smoldering gaze held mine as he sat stunned for a moment, unsure; then he raised himself from his stool, excusing himself from his friends. I felt heat rise in my cheeks, a heat which was surprisingly not limited to my face, as I watched him make his way over to me. He was still as gorgeous as he ever was, with his tan skin and broad stature. I could hear my heart beating in my ears as my pulse accelerated, growing faster the closer he came.

Finally, after an eternity, "Hi, Bella." A tentative smile and a quick embrace told me that I had at least partially earned forgiveness. I inhaled deeply, and through his musky scent I was transported to an easier time, where his love had filled me up and made me whole.

"Hi, Jake," I said shyly, remembering the stolen kisses from another life. _His lips on mine, down my neck, on my breasts, our passion overtaking us; him marking me as his as we stared into each other's eyes and professed our love. Claimed our oneness in each other and made promises I had since broken. _

"What are you doing here in Boston?" he asked me, curious, as he let his eyes take me in. They lingered lastly on my left hand and the fading tan line where my wedding ring had been. Now there was nothing; I felt naked, guilty, and slightly embarrassed.

More memories assaulted me, sobering me slightly, and in response I downed the rest of my drink. _"You're marrying him?" Jake had demanded, incredible hurt in his eyes, "You've done this to me for the last fucking time! You go through with this, Bella, and…you know what? I'm done. Just stay the fuck away from me." _Holding the empty glass toward the bartender, I motioned that I needed a refill, and was relieved when he quickly replaced the old with the new.

"I live here now, I just moved not too long ago. I needed a fresh start." I faked a smile at him to avoid the awkwardness of discussing my need for a do-over at life. I knew what he would think. I could sense his urge to tell me "told you so."

"Oh," he answered, tensing a little, "Yeah, I heard from my dad that things hadn't worked out with you and, uh, Edward." He cleared his throat; it was still difficult for him to say the name of the one who had stolen his dreams. Both our eyes dropped to our drinks, and we silently took a synchronized sip. The world leaned as I fought to remain upright, my head swimming with alcohol, long held guilt and… something else. _Alcohol. That's it, and nothing more._

"I had no idea you lived out here. Last I heard you were still out in Seattle, I think?" I was having an enormously difficult time concentrating on topics that didn't bring out the past. I could feel the apologetic words bubbling up beneath the heat of my skin, simmering and waiting to be absorbed by the air between us.

"Seattle, yep. I was there until, six months ago or so maybe? Then I moved out here. Coincidentally, I was also looking for a fresh start." His easy smile faded of its own volition and his eyes bore through me, breaking down my barriers and setting the truth free. Recognition flashed in my mind as I connected the dates, _Six months ago, I filed for my divorce._

"Listen, Jake…" I took his hand, and in my dizzy state it felt perfectly natural, not uncomfortable as it would have been three martinis ago. "I'm sorry for what happened and I know you probably won't be able to forgive me, but I just have to say it. I really mean it; I'm sorry… and there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you, or what I did." The words tumbled out of my mouth before my brain had processed them, the chance to send them back for a rewrite lost in my haste.

He stared at my hand holding his and said nothing for a moment, obviously battered by the same memories waging war on my mind. The familiar sensation of his skin against mine was reviving my need for him, emphasizing the long ignored emptiness I'd felt since I left him. _It must be the alcohol making me so sentimental. _I stared at him in wonder, arguing inwardly whether it was he who made me feel as though I had just woken from a deep sleep, or was it the evening spent imbibing that made me forget everything else?

Leaning forward and taking a leap of faith, "Jake, can we go somewhere so we can talk?"

His eyes lifted and he pulled from his internal film of our former life. Checking his watch, his expression unchanged, "Sure, sure. I just need to pay my tab."

"My apartment's just around the corner, we could go there?" My desire to be forgiven completely was overriding the sense of shame I felt in his presence. I was incapable of escaping the past, though I had tried for the past six years in my marriage to Edward to do just that. I had loved Edward as a teenager, but as we grew older we grew apart, two untethered boats in the harbor; existing in the plane but our paths never intersecting. Not wanting to admit my mistake I had stayed; ignoring the apathy I felt for him, attributing it to being busy with work or some other external stress. I probably would still be there had it not been for the night I came home early from work and walked in on him in our bed with another woman. I downed what remained of my martini at the thought, attempting to kill the humiliation but reigniting the flames of disgust instead.

I threw some cash on the bar to settle up what I owed and gave a last look for my lost friends. I spotted them finally near the back wall, laughing animatedly, not noticing my absence. I reminded myself to text them as soon as I got home to let them know I'd left, but I assumed in this frame of mind and as many drinks deep as they were, that it wouldn't make a difference.

I had never spoken of Jake to them so they wouldn't understand the importance of this fate-driven meeting. I had spent the last six years of my life solitarily preparing for this moment should I ever be lucky enough to receive it, never thinking I'd get the chance, only replaying lost moments in my head as I lay awake at night. I'd been given a gift, and considering the circumstances, I accepted it with open arms.

I stood and waited as he parted ways with his friends. He didn't bother to introduce me, and I didn't mind. It was probably better that they thought what they wanted rather than know the truth and hate me right off the bat. I could feel the breeze chilling me with each open and close of the door, my skirt undulating and giving me goose bumps. I had forgotten that in Boston the fall came quickly and without warning, giving a scowl to my sandals and bare legs. It would feel like a long walk home tonight.

Jake joined me at my side and I motioned to the door, leading him out onto the street. The cold night air awakened me and I suddenly doubted the success of my self-assigned mission. There was no going back now, so I carried on as though we were two old friends with no murky history obscuring our past.

We spoke of lighter things: how our fathers were doing, what type of work we were in, how we liked our new town so far. It was safe and it was easy, but each step brought us nearer to my apartment and I was worrying if other heavier things would be discussed. Luckily the alcohol that both of us had partaken of sustained our conversation well enough, and several blocks later I hadn't even noticed the briskly blowing wind that had swirled my hair into knots.

Thanks in part to the evening's activities, I laughed easily, flirted shamelessly, and generally behaved in a way I'd regret in the morning. I didn't know what had come over me, whether it was the alcohol or Jake? I was giddy, drunk in equal measure from his proximity and the martinis, still feeling the heat in my face from the dangerous combination of them both.

I invited him in with a nervous smile and turned the lights on. The room was bathed in a glow, casting shadows on the room, illuminating the picture frames I'd arranged on the bookshelf. "Make yourself at home. You want something to drink? I have a few beers in the fridge, some other stuff in the cabinet, soda, water?" I tossed my bag on the counter and bent to look around the kitchen, locating all the good liquor I kept hidden from my friends.

"Yeah, I'll take a beer, sure," he said, stooping to get a better view of the frames. He smiled softly and picked one up, holding it to me. "Where did you get this?"

I stood to get a better look and knocked the back of my head on the freezer door, yelping, "Ouch!" before rubbing my head and breaking into hysterics. He dropped his hand, still grasping the frame, and walked over, his own laughter softening his face and lightening his features.

"Still as clumsy as ever I see," he teased, and reached around me into the freezer to grab a bag of frozen vegetables. "Here, hold this on your head for a few minutes so it doesn't swell." A smirk still played on his lips as he stepped close, angling the frame for me, and I recognized it as one from when we were kids. The picture had been taken at what I came to think of as "our beach;" pint-sized Jake and Bells, hand in hand, smiled brightly at the camera. If I looked closely I would be missing my front tooth; I remembered bragging about the tooth fairy to him that day, proud of the dollar I'd received. I knew my dad would have been behind the camera, eager to capture a moment of pure bliss in his baby girl's life.

I was almost back in the sun, kicking around in the water and screeching as Jake chased me with seaweed. I smiled, wistfully, remembering. "My dad had this around the house and I took it when I moved out. I've had this in a frame in every place I've lived since." I looked up at him, so near to me it was making the floor list off-center, his gravitational pull coaxing me closer. We stood there a few moments, imagining ourselves back in Washington, my shoulder against his arm, feeling his warmth through his shirt.

"The good old days, huh?" I chuckled, handing him the beer I'd pulled out of the fridge for him.

"Things were a lot different then," he stated plainly, stepping away to replace the frame.

The laugh that had begun was cut short and I sensed the pain in his tone. "You mean before I fucked everything up?" I offered.

He seemed startled by my choice of words but answered, "Well, since you're asking, yeah, before you fucked it up." He crossed his arms and stood in front of the coffee table, waiting. The trace of smile was lost, the memory of a sweet childhood moment gone.

"You know… that last day we saw each other, the day I told you I was engaged to Edward… that was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. I knew it would hurt you, but – "

He cut me off, "But what? You did it anyway? And really, you're going to talk about how hard it was for _you_ when I was the one left behind to watch the girl I loved run off and marry some asshole I knew wasn't worthy of her? As usual you make it all about you," he steamed, letting long-held bitterness cut through his words directly into my heart.

I was surprised but I shouldn't have been. His reaction at the news so many years ago was what I'd expected. He was livid, though I think he knew it was coming. We were so young and I didn't really even know what I wanted out of life. Edward was so exciting, with his money and charisma and Hollywood good looks. He was my ticket out of Forks, and the way he treated me back then, as though his world revolved around me, it was too much to ignore. I loved Jake but at the time I could only see his limitations rather than his honest devotion to me. I'd been dazzled by a dream, a mirage. I'd learned the hard way that if things are too good to be true, well…

Angry, remorseful tears emerged and ran in streaks down my flushed face. "I didn't mean to do any of that or want to make you feel like you did. Don't you think I know I ruined everything? I think about it every day, I wasn't just saying that to make some stupid apology. Every morning I wake up and the first thought in my head is how much I miss you and that I fucked up our whole life!" _Shit, I said too much._ I bit my lip, wishing I could pull the words back like a fish on a line. I _did_ want to apologize and earn at least a small part in his life, but now with that kind of emotional, crazy admission any opportunity was erased. I hung my head, squeezing my eyes shut, scolding myself for complicating things yet again.

The silence in the room was crushing me; the heartache was jagged and slicing through every cell in my body like tiny razors in my blood.

"We could have been really happy, you know," he whispered. I fluttered my eyes open and my gaze fell on his as he took hesitant steps toward me.

I nodded, "I know," my face crumpling, unable to withstand the weight of the truth. The floodgates had been thrown wide, my tears freely falling. "I'm… so… sorry," I sputtered between sobs. "If I could take it back…" I couldn't speak, only pantomimed my emptiness, my palms face-up before letting them drop back to my sides. I turned away from him, feeling pitiful and hating myself, and leaned on the counter with my eyes closed. I heard his footsteps and listened for him to open the door to let himself out. The thought of not seeing him for another six years or more tore at my already wounded heart, and I ached to scream and beg for him not to leave. _Who am I to demand such a favor?_ I had no right to and I knew it, so I clenched my muscles and waited for the click of the lock, readying myself for the moment I would be alone, anticipating the agony of my cold, lifeless apartment.

Instead a warm hand landed gently on my shoulder, soothing me, "Bells, don't cry, I'm just as much to blame as you are. I could have fought for you instead of letting you go." His voice was honest and lay thick with years of his own guilt.

I scoffed. "Like you had a choice. I was so blinded by Edward that I didn't know which end was up. I've just wasted six years of my life on a lie, when I could have had…" I gestured to him and let my voice trail off miserably. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. _I_ caused all this; I deserve all the suffering that comes along with it." I turned to him, disregarding the makeup and grief staining my face. "I'll apologize forever, because it will take me that long to make it up to you." I meant it, with every iota of life left in me. And honestly, forever might not even be enough.

All the energy I began the night with had left me, seeping out my pores and metamorphosing into the desperation rapidly filling the room. I hadn't wanted things to go this way; I'd only wanted to apologize and make it better, but instead I'd made things worse. I sighed, frustrated with myself for the thousandth time, almost wishing I had stayed home tonight to avoid this whole thing. What good did it do me, or Jake for that matter, to be sharing my regrets and tears, when I couldn't change anything?

His eyes held mine, and I was breathless. The way we looked at each other then was reminiscent of our younger days, the days we spent lovingly face to face, acquainting our very souls with one another.

"I don't want you to suffer over this," he breathed, descending nearer to me one degree at a time.

"Jake, I just missed you so much… I still miss you, and when I think of all the time we lost that we could have been… if I hadn't… I can barely live with myself," I admitted sadly. I let my head fall in shame. So many memories were torturing me together that it was almost too much. Having him so near to me intensified all of them, making them vivid and wonderful and wretched all at once. _I had loved once, really loved, and I threw it all away. I will never deserve to feel that way again._

"I missed you too, Bells," he said, cupping my chin, forcing my eyes back to his. "But I just… I need to ask you... I need to know. Did you really love me then?" He begged me with his dark eyes, searching my face for signs of deceit, since I'd proven he couldn't trust my words.

I was overcome with anguish; though I had loved him more than I thought possible to love any other person he still did not believe it. I'd ruined any trust he had in me by leaving him thoughtlessly when I chose Edward. I had erased all the love we had in that moment, and the thought of him disbelieving what we openly shared cut me promptly in half. My heart turned to useless glass and shattered in a million pieces, all of them bearing his name. It felt as though I were being ripped apart from the inside out. _Do I really still… _

"Yes, I did. I've loved you all my life, and…" I hesitated, unsure if whether what I wanted to say would break things beyond repair. _Fuck it, just say it._ "Jesus, Jake… I still love you. I never stopped." I laid it all out on the table for him to either accept or walk away from. I was aware of my heightened vulnerability and prepared for him to laugh and humiliate me, which is what I deserved.

He eyed me warily, unsure how to proceed but processing the information in his own time. For the moment I was just happy to be standing near him again after all this. I stood breathing him in, savoring his essence enough to last the duration of my lifetime for which I knew he would be gone again.

I realized that I had pushed him too far, that I was alone in my refusal to let go of the past. I moved to turn from him and he caught me by the hip, pressing me against the counter and holding me in place. He wound his other arm smoothly behind me, sliding up my back, his hand finding its way to the nape of my neck. I held my breath; his touch dizzying me and making my body float above itself. In slow motion he leaned down to me and pressed his soft lips to mine in a chaste kiss. My heart swelled, the pressure intense and burning with suppressed desire. I reached up to wrap my arms behind his neck, slowly running my hands through his short black hair. He pulled me closer to him, the full length of our bodies pressing against each other as he glided his hands all over me. The heat of him against me sent shivers down my spine as he opened his mouth and caressed my tongue with his. They danced together as though we had been doing this all our lives, perfectly synchronized in our passion.

In a swift motion he lifted my shirt over my head, exposing my creamy flesh to his awaiting eyes. Wet, hot kisses trailed down my neck, across my chest and ended at the lacy material of my bra, before that too was quickly removed. His hand massaged one breast while his tongue flicked over the other, taking the pink flesh into his mouth. I moaned softly, arching my back into him reflexively.

His eyes flashed lustfully and he stood against me again, leaning into me with his hips, pressing his growing erection against me. He groaned at the contact and I bit my lip, my center burning for him, melting me and weakening my knees.

"You sure you want this?" he murmured, his hand buried in my hair, his mouth moving along my skin of its own accord, leaving trails of fire everywhere it went.

"Yes," I breathed, my eyes closed, enjoying the contact I so often dreamed of. I was afraid if I opened them he would disappear and this would just be another reminder that he wasn't real, that he wasn't in my life anymore.

He grabbed the backs of my thighs and hoisted me up, wrapping my legs around his torso while still maintaining our fevered pace. His strength impressed me and only served to increase my desire for him. "Back left, bedroom," I whispered breathlessly. He walked us through my apartment, hands roughly gripping my thighs and ass, his fingers grazing beneath my skirt to the place I ached to have him touch.

Placing me down on the bed, he pulled back and grinned at me wickedly before removing his shirt in a flash, his hands replaced on my skin before I'd missed them. His fingers tugged at the zipper on my skirt, pulling it and my panties down together, leaving me naked before him.

"Bells, it's possible you're more beautiful than I remember," he wondered aloud, drinking me in with his eyes before following with his mouth. Without hesitation he turned his attention to the wettest part of me, gently spreading my thighs with his rough hands and exploring with his tongue.

"Oh, Jake," I cried, the fire in my core raging ever hotter, demanding more. "Please," I begged, the moist heat of his mouth tumbling me over the edge of ecstasy, pulling on his hair to bring him more firmly against me. I needed to feel him inside me, the weight of him pressing hot and firm against my skin, the length of him filling me up and connecting us as one. Rendered nearly incoherent I only managed, "Please."

He stood up beside the bed, eyes burning with the primal need that controlled his every motion; removing the last barrier between us he let his gaze fall heavy upon mine as he dropped his jeans and boxers to the floor in a heap. At once he was on top of me, one arm extending to encircle my neck, then pulling me close; the other instinctively searching out my hand, entwining our fingers together and bringing our joined hands beside my head. Our eyes connected and I caught a fleeting glimpse of the love and devotion he still felt for me, rejuvenating my need for him.

He paused at my entrance, teasing me, a knowing smile playing on his lips as I writhed beneath him unable to mask my frustration. Without warning he slid into me with one fluid motion and owned me completely, taking my body for his. I clung to him, wrapping my legs around him, meeting my hips to his in his increasingly urgent pace. Our burning need for each other lifted us ever higher and all the muscles in my body contracted, tightening against him in my moment of bliss. Moaning his name I shuddered, gripping his shoulders to sustain the waves of pleasure pulsing through me. Soon after he followed; his speed increasing as he slammed into me until finally with a growl he collapsed, his energy spent.

His breath was hot against my neck, neither of us willing to end our union just yet. I traced lazy patterns on his back, caressing him with my fingers as we collected our sanity one gasp at a time. Satisfied to have him near and terrified to see him leave, I remained wordless, hoping the silence would make him forget his obligation to his life, infinitely holding him here in this fraction of time.

I felt as though I were overflowing with the love I'd kept hidden all these years, and yet I knew I deserved none of his in return. I resolved myself to a life without him, tonight's coincidental meeting coming to an imminent close as melancholy settled deep and permanent in my heart.

He sighed contentedly, languidly lifting his lips to meet mine for a tender kiss, so full of love it hurt me to consider the wishful implications I knew were impossible. I aimed to hide my growing despondency to prolong this moment, but it soon overwhelmed me as tears fell easily down my cheeks. I wiped them away, ashamed; Jake noticed and, breaking our connection, raised himself on his elbows to look me in the face.

"Bells, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asked softly, concerned. He stretched his arm across my stomach, pulling me closer to him, and placed a kiss on my dampened cheek.

Gathering the words I finally answered him, taking a deep breath, "I just know that you're going to leave and I have no right to ask or expect you to stay." I felt no compulsion to lie, so I admitted my fears miserably, exposing more of myself than was laying beside him in plain view.

"Well, I do have to go home sometime," he agreed, trying for humor. Then, pausing, more seriously, "I don't know what to do. I wasn't expecting… well, this."

"What were you expecting then?"

"I don't know, it wasn't like I really thought about it, you just asked me to go somewhere to talk and I couldn't say no to you. I wanted to blame you and hate you but I can't. I just… when I saw your face in the bar it was like all those angry feelings were gone and I wasn't mad anymore but…" he exhaled, "I don't want to get hurt again. When you did what you did," he grimaced, "It took me a really long time to get over it, and if it happened again I couldn't take it. I was naïve then, a kid, but I had dreams and hopes for us, of _us_ getting married one day. But then…" he trailed off.

"I left," I finished for him tonelessly, staring at the ceiling, counting the cracks that mirrored those beginning to form around my heart.

"Yeah, and I was a fucking wreck. You broke me… and I haven't been able to love anyone else since. I haven't felt like I was a whole, complete person since the day you walked out of my life."

I shook my head, understanding now what I had done to him. The regret of my choices dripped down my face, and I whispered, "I know… I'm so sorry." I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look at him and face my mistakes.

"I know you are, Bells," he soothed as he took my hand in his, gently rubbing circles with his thumb. "That's why I'm so confused about what to do."

"I'm not trying to guilt you into anything and I don't want you to do something you'll regret. I understand what you're saying, Jake… It's too late."

"That's just it, I don't know. Being with you, feeling you here, the way it's… God, I'm… As much as I want to hate you I can't. Even after all that's happened I still feel…" he stumbled, unable to find the words to complete his thought. I turned my head to him, watching his face as he fought to decide. I longed to hope, but withheld the permission to myself out of self-preservation. Instead I waited, a silent spectator to the battle in his head.

Finally he spoke, pensive. "I think it's obvious, I can't live without you. I've tried and I'm a mess… Bells, being with you tonight, even just talking like we did on the walk over here, it was the most normal I've felt in years. I just need you to promise me something, if we're going to make this work."

My eyes widened with joy, and I immediately answered, "Absolutely, anything."

"You can't leave me again. I won't live through it twice. I love you, Bells… Promise me this is forever."

Overcome with gratitude, I crashed my lips to his. He caught me in his arms and we pulled each other close. We melded into one as I whispered my vows, my body feeling as though it were sighing with relief, "I promise, I'm yours, forever… "

Our limbs tangled in the rush of our reaffirmed love; the need to join our bodies as our souls reunited eclipsed all rational thought and we made love until the sun came up, its light amplifying the warmth of our passion.

The sounds of the city outside echoed around us as we lay nestled happily between the sheets, reminding us that life existed beyond these walls. We couldn't have cared less.

**Please review! **


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